Healing My Own Trauma

Now that I knew I had suffered the effects of early trauma, there was hope.  I started seeing an EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapist.  Here is a quick description of EMDR.* If you think it sounds hokey, join the club.  I thought this sounded crazy but I was desperate.  These sessions were a bit expensive, but I was desperate for healing.  My own therapist had done EMDR and had found it helpful.

EMDR changed me profoundly.  By spreading my traumatic memories around my brain and dislodging them from the state level, I became much more logical in my responses to stress.  I still get angry and frustrated, but I don't turn into monster mommy anymore.  The rages and lack of control of monster mommy have not shown their ugly heads since my EMDR therapies.  I can think more clearly and react more calmly under stress.  My family has noticed.  It is almost freaky at times.  I remember my husband coming home very late from a meeting once.  From previous experience, he expected to find me on the other side of our front door seething with anger that I had to keep the children past my mental "check-out time" when I usually handed the parenting duties off to him.  What he found was a peaceful me, a peaceful home and happy children.  The opposite had been the norm for so long when he came home late, that it took him aback.  It has happened again and again with this and other previous triggers of mine.  It is as though the fuse to my landmines refuse to light.  There is so much more peace in our family.  I can trust my own self more.

I will warn you, EMDR is tough.  I was depressed for days after many of the sessions and the thought of returning made me weep.  There is nothing feel-good about it.  I hated going because I knew I would leave feeling so down and worn out.  I hated paying money my family could barely afford to do this.  I am proud of myself for sticking with it.  I did it for me.  I did it for those I love.  What an investment it was.  It took me leaps and bounds into my path of healing.
____________
* (In my sessions, I did not follow the therapist's fingers as described in the link above, but chose to put on a headset that beeped alternatively in each ear while holding sensors that would vibrate alternatively in each hand.  I preferred this method so I could keep my eyes closed and relaxed.  The alternating vibrations were the only soothing parts of this therapy.)