Oppositional Connection

My child is HAVING a hard time. 

versus

My child is GIVING me a hard time.

Oh, when he goes into his tirades, it is so hard not to take it personally!  My child is oppositional.  There are few things that we ask him or tell him that do not elicit opposition.  For me, it is exhausting.  For him, conflict is a way of bonding.  It is a way of controlling the people around him.  He has a negative, shameful idea of himself and he gets into a cycle of doing shameful things to reinforce that idea of himself.  He pushes everyone away to keep himself safe from being hurt again.  He does not anticipate that the people in his world are going to help or care about him - that is his script, his map. 

To help heal that broken script, my therapist suggests two strategies (from Colby Pearce, Repairing Attachments):

1)  Anticipate his needs before he has to ask for them.  Little acts can let him know he is being thought of, that he is being taken care of.  This goes a long way in repairing our relationship.  For me this looks like:

• giving him a cold drink when he gets into the car afterschool on hot days
• when I get a drink of water, offer to get him some as well
• give him a small snack and drink while he is doing his homework
• offer to cover him up when he goes to bed
• help him take off his shoes when he gets home from school
• put his towel in the bathroom and lay out his pj's when he takes a shower

2)  Speak his feelings out loud for him.  This sends him the message that you understand him, that you care enough to notice his moods.  He feels less isolated and like no one "gets me."  For me, this means saying things like:

• "I can see how that upset you." He often wants to talk about the tiniest scrapes and hurts he has accumulated over the day.  This can sometimes wear me out.   I can more genuinely show empathy for him being upset vs. saying I am sorry for his tiny scrape.  I can validate that he finds this experience upsetting.  I can also ask myself, "Why is he coming to me with this?"
• "You are upset because  you have such a hard time with this and your brother doesn't."
• "I can tell that you are tired."
• "I know you are ready to be done with school by now and that you'd rather stay home and play."
• "I know that you love daddy and me, but that you still think about your mama and dada back in ____________ and you wish you could be with them, too."

Slowly over time, these emphatic gestures are supposed to help my child lower his guard a bit.  Perhaps one day, his way of bonding will not be through opposition and conflict, but through a feedback loop of love and connection.